It was four months into our separation. Our communication was down to either screaming and fighting or not talking at all for weeks at a time. I opened my Facebook to see the picture that changed my perspective entirely.

The man was bent at the waist, a look of both deep emotional pain and deep gratitude on his face. The caption beneath the photo stated,

“In this African tribe, when someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them. For two days, they will say to the man all the good things that he has done. The tribe believes that each human being comes into the world as good. Each one of us only desiring safety, love, peace and happiness. But sometimes, in the pursuit of these things, people make mistakes. The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help. They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had been temporarily disconnected: “I am good.”

I can’t say exactly what it was about this picture and caption that broke something in me, but I can honestly say that I know God used it to change my heart. I had focused for so long on the pain my husband had placed on me that I could only see him as the enemy. I felt no compassion for him, only rage at his choices. I saw him as both the best and worst thing that had ever happened to me. I had not once stopped to realize that my husband, too, was hurting. He had lost his sense of self; he had forgotten who he truly was.

“'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' For I have come to call not those who are righteous, but the sinners." Matthew 9:13

What a humbling verse. What breaks God’s heart? Where does His passion lie? With the good, the righteous? No! His heart aches for the sinners. When God tells us to be like Him, it’s a tall order; but this is one aspect that we should truly focus on - His love for people who are lost in their sins. My husband was not the enemy; and when I looked at that photo, I knew that I was in the wrong. God gave me the peace to begin building my husband up through text messages and reminders, and it changed the dynamic of our communication from that point on.

God’s heart is filled with compassion and love and mercy, and we are called to follow His example. He commands us to love, forgive, and pray for our enemies! This includes our spouses, even when they are in the thick of their sin. We must grasp this empathy for them in order to live as Christ commands. Imagine the confusion in their souls as they continue making choice after choice that pulls them farther away from who they once were. We must allow God to do a work in us that changes how we see our spouse, so we can love them as He intended.

Self-Reflection

How are you viewing your spouse? As the enemy, or as a flawed human being deserving of compassion?

How can you choose better actions and words towards your spouse to begin to change the dynamic of your relationship?

Have you ever noticed that people who have been married for a long time tend to look like each other? You aren’t imagining things. Not only is it scientifically proven that couples who have been married for a long time begin to look like one another; and the happier they are, the more they tend to resemble one another! Marriage changes people in many ways. As we grow closer to our spouses, we become like them, and they become like us. We pick up habits, gestures, and preferences; if nothing else, we adapt to their needs and desires, often by squelching our own.

Unity and oneness is a blessing in a happy marriage, but it can be a curse in a time of separation. If our identity is wrapped up in who we are as a husband or a wife, we may feel worthless to function solo. This tendency is what causes us to cling so tightly to our spouses when they are asking for space; we desire to please them, do for them, and care for them. During times of separation, you must reestablish your own identity, and your spouse must have the space they ask for in order to fully recognize your role in his/her life.

When I got married, I had been single for many years. Because of this, I came into my marriage with a single-person mindset. If I wanted something, I got it; if I didn’t like something, I refused to participate. This caused many problems early in my marriage; but as time went on I learned to concede my will and make decisions based upon what was best for us. However, when we were separated, I had a choice to make - continue living my life solely for my husband, from miles away, unnoticed; or live my own life, how I wanted it. I didn’t choose the latter for several months because I was convinced that if I stopped trying to win my husband back, or appeared too strong without him, he would think I didn’t need him. This is faulty thinking! When I finally began to live my life as I wanted to, I became happier, and he started to take notice of me again.

I began purchasing the foods that I loved but had stopped buying because he wouldn’t eat them. I went hiking with my kids whenever I felt like it, rather than waiting around, trying to catch him on the phone when he was home. I enjoyed spreading out in my big bed alone, without someone stealing my covers or snoring! Of course I missed my husband, but I also realized how much I had missed these parts of myself that I had put aside for him for so long. Most importantly, I was making choices that directly made me happy, rather than living my life for someone else.

This applies even after reconciliation, believe it or not. I’ve learned so much through the trial I went through. I spent so much time controlling what my husband did and didn’t do simply because I didn’t like it. And I put my desires aside for him. This isn’t healthy. Now, we both are allowed to live with a freedom that wasn’t there before. I don’t try to micromanage his happiness into fitting along with my image of what our marriage should be.

Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. Romans 12:4-5

The Bible says that we are all different. If we try to control one another based on our own perception of things, then we stifle the individuality of our spouse and, in turn, suppress our spouse’s ability to operate in God’s calling over their lives. Even though we are directed to operate as one, without our individuality, the collective suffers.

Self-Reflection

Have you found yourself feeling “broken” because you aren’t fulfilling your role as ‘spouse’ right now?

Are there things you have stopped doing because your spouse wasn’t interested in them?

What are some things you can do to bring back a sense of your individuality?

Choose to do something today specifically to treat yourself.

When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.
– My Favorite Things, Rodgers and Hammerstein

Albert Ellis, a world-renowned psychotherapist, composed a study on the happiness levels of people as they went through their every-day lives. Ellis discovered that, while most people believe happiness is a temporary emotion that depends on environment, the exact opposite is true. He concluded that most things that people would consider major life changes and circumstances actually had very little impact on their moment-to-moment happiness. Essentially, Ellis discovered that happiness depends on our interpretations of events, proving that happiness is a mindset, not a reaction.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Bible makes it pretty clear how we are to go through life; not beaten down and miserable, but joyful. How do we become joyful? Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances. Do you get urges throughout the day to send pictures or texts to your best friends? Or urges to call and share something exciting or even something you are stressed about? This is what the Bible means when it says “pray continually”. You don’t have to lock yourself in a closet and pray night and day. God simply desires for us to stop a moment and share with Him, just as we would share moments of happiness, sadness, and humor with our friends and family.

Giving thanks in all circumstances is one of those things that you read and quickly gloss over. How can I give thanks when my spouse isn’t living with me? How can I give thanks when I feel like my life is falling apart? How can anyone give thanks in their darkest hour? Gratefulness is one of those learned actions, not something that comes naturally to most people. One description of gratefulness is, “the full response to a given moment and all it contains.” That is, turning our full attention to the minute details in a situation that we might otherwise overlook. Sometimes we get so caught up in all of the big-picture negativity that we tend to overlook the little, happy moments in our lives. Happiness comes from learning to be grateful for the things you have; for the life you are living; and in seeing all of your blessings.

Who would have thought that Rodgers and Hammerstein knew the key to never-ending happiness?

Self-Reflection

Do you keep in constant relationship with God during the day?

Take time today to think of the many things that you have to be grateful for, and write them down.

Make a practice of finding the silver lining in your days.

  Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”

“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult concepts to grasp. It does not come easy, and it is often not truly deserved; but Jesus lets us know that not only is forgiveness necessary, but forgiveness is a continuous process. There are situations where forgiveness is as simple as saying, ‘I forgive you.’ However, when we have been deeply hurt, forgiveness may need to be given moment to moment, with each breath. Every time that we are reminded of the hurt someone has caused us, we must immediately stop, forgive, and release it. If we don’t, our pain causes us to become bitter, which is poison to our souls.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a matter of will; we can either choose to forgive or choose not to. You can forgive and release someone without ever actually feeling like it. You don’t have to want to forgive them, but taking that action is a work of faith and obedience to what God has said. You may feel relief from forgiving and moving forward, and you may not. Just remember that the choice to forgive is exactly that - a choice. Additionally, it is imperative to forgive in order for us to fully heal. The Bible also says that if we hold onto unforgiveness, God cannot forgive us of our own sins. God expects us to model the example the He has given us for forgiveness of deeds.

We must learn to separate the people from their sins. It is much easier to forgive others when we realize the source of their actions. Ephesians 6:12 tells us where we are to direct our energy, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” You must come to an understanding that every harmful thing that is done to you in this life is a strategy created by the enemy to cause you to hold onto bitterness and unforgiveness. The enemy of our souls uses those closest to us to cause us to fail. Grasping this helps us to forgive easier, because we can feel compassion for our loved ones if they should fall into the trap that was set for them.


Many of us have been raised to believe that anger is a bad thing, but even Jesus exhibited righteous anger when He found people using the house of God as a money making scheme. Interestingly enough, the source of anger is spoken of in Genesis.  As God cursed the serpent, He said, “And I will put enmity between you and the woman,
and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel.” Enmity isn’t just anger, but deep-rooted hatred. When is the last time that you said or felt like you hated someone? When is the last time that you actually blamed satan for what you were angry about? We’ve spent too long hating each other, rather than hating the source of the behavior shown by others. The enemy has used his cunning to turn our anger on each other, ourselves, and even toward God, rather than on himself. Forgiveness is a way of accepting our part in the enemy’s manipulation, recognizing the source (satan), and releasing the person (and ourselves) from the burden of judgment.                                                            

The king was very angry. He handed him over to men who would beat and hurt him until he paid all the money he owed. So will My Father in heaven do to you, if each one of you does not forgive his brother from his heart. Matthew 18:34-35

This verse paints a bleak picture of what we can expect if we do not choose to truly forgive. We must choose to forgive from the heart. How, though, can we forgive from the heart when we don’t feel like forgiving? When you forgive without feeling the peace come and the pain go, the forgiveness is all in your mind. This is why we must continue to pray and forgive. Every time the pain comes up in your mind, forgive again. Eventually it becomes meaningful and your forgiveness will have come from the heart.

Self-Reflection

  Have you struggled with forgiveness?

What misconceptions have you held in regard to forgiving others?

“Desperate dependence is the place where we can stop living by our own power.”- Max Davis

Our pastor once told a story about visiting a tiny rural church in Uganda, Africa. He said that he had never seen worship quite like what he experienced there. The building had only open beams for a roof, the floor was dirt, and the walls were bricks made from mud, grass, and animal dung. As humble as the building was, the congregation was far from reserved. He described families walking for hours from distant villages, or even sleeping on the ground outside for days, waiting on the next service to be held. The worshippers sang, danced, wept, and prayed with a passion that shook the ground. His amazement was too much, and after the service, he asked the pastor how it was that these impoverish folks could worship was such fervor and joy, despite not having anything at all. The man laughed and replied, “You Americans are the ones we pity. We worship God this way because He is all that we have; you can’t worship God because you have too much that takes His place.”

Complete dependence on God sometimes only comes through our most desperate moments.

When something great happens, we pray and thank God for His blessing. When all of our daily needs are met, we often don’t give God more than a passing thought. It is when tragedy occurs that we most desperately run to Him. God uses these times to allow us to return to Him; when we can no longer do anything to change the situation around us, all we can do is trust Him to care for us.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Allow yourself to become dependent on Him, stop fighting the current, stop trying to fix things, instead trust Him to bring you through it.

Self-Reflection

How can you use your current situation to lean in on God even more?

 

  I asked my husband to write this, because Paul’s description of love is one of his favorite entries in the Bible, particularly this portion of the passage.  You’ll see why…

In the months just after I left my wife, I justified my position and my actions by telling myself that I was the one that had really been betrayed.  So what if we were still “married”?  It didn’t feel like a marriage and hadn’t in a long time.  My wife kept to herself, she wasn’t excited about my achievements anymore, and she didn’t seem to care if I was in the house or not.  I kept asking myself, Who wants to live a life like that?  I was angry at her.  I blamed her.  I judged her.  I left her.

It was only after about four months of separation that I realized things just weren’t adding up.  My wife seemed happier without me, but she kept asking me when I was coming home.  My kids didn’t try to talk with me much, but every time they did they lavished me with “I love you” and “I miss you”.  I couldn’t understand why my wife and children would say things like that after I had walked out on them.  Wasn’t it their fault in the first place that I left?

As I tried to reconcile what was happening, I ventured to do something I hadn’t done in a long, long time…I prayed.  God, what do these people want from me?  Aren’t they better off without me?  Why didn’t they cling to me like this before I left?  His answer brought me to my knees… He said, Because they love you.

In that moment I knew what I had missed.  My wife hadn’t been pushing me away; I had become a stranger to her, and yet she was clinging to a man she no longer knew in the hopes that I would return to her.  Likewise, my children had been frustrated by my absence while I scoured the world for success, but they never stopped keeping vigil for that day that I would put them in their rightful place above my career.  They LOVED me, even in that moment, after I had closed the door on our relationships, THEY. LOVED. ME.  No strings attached.

After I realized this, I started working myself back to my family.  Even after the two affairs, even after I destroyed our family, my wife just wouldn’t quit believing that her husband was somewhere out in the world waiting to return.  That’s love.  The love I wanted.  The love I needed.  The love that had been there all along.  I also realized why my wife seemed happier in my absence.  She had found this same love in developing her relationship with God.  God’s love is all encompassing; and no matter how many times we turn our backs to Him, when we face Him again His arms are stretched out and ready to embrace us.  My wife found in God the love that I had stopped showing her, the same love I desired.  Love that is unconditional, unequivocal, and unending.

I now tell my wife, I’ll never give up on you.  And I won’t, because I love her.  She didn’t give up on me; neither did my children, and neither did God.  I was forced to approach them all as a poor, broken man; and they scooped me into their arms and gave me the love that I needed so badly.  That’s love.

Friends, you can’t change your spouse’s views through deeds or demands, through anger or shame, through screams or tears.   You love them, and the greatest way to do this is by NOT GIVING UP.  As long as God is in control, it’s NEVER over.  And don’t give up on yourself; your pain and suffering aren’t measures of your self-worth.  Allow God to minister to you and show you how He sees you, as a beautiful child of His own creation.  Remember, Paul said that of hope, faith, and love, the greatest of these is love.  Because all three will be tested, but love doesn’t quit.

 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:7

You may have heard the story of the jilted wife who was asked to move out of her home when her husband asked for a divorce. As the story goes, she packed all of her belongings and loaded them into a moving truck, but before leaving, she put raw shrimp inside each of the curtain rods in the house. Months later, the husband brought his new girlfriend in to live in the house together, but the smell was unbearable. He paid thousands of dollars to clean carpets, repaint, and steam clean everything, to no avail, and eventually sold the house for well below the value.

It’s a story that strikes a chord in most people, as you feel a sense of vindication for the poor wife. She’s been betrayed, hurt, and even put out of her home; but in the end, she gets to know that her husband also suffered.

Justice is served, right?

Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 1 Corinthians 13:6

This woman was clearly not living in a way that reflected biblical love. She was rejoicing in an injustice that she had placed on another person, making her no better than her husband. We cannot “stoop” to a lower level of vengeance, no matter how hurt or angry we are, because it keeps us from being in the right. I imagine this woman, if she had been real, could have faced a serious law suit had the truth been discovered.

It’s important for us to remember this in our day to day. Regardless of the amount of pain and damage to our lives, we must keep our hands clean. Do not act out of revenge by calling our spouse out publicly or humiliating them with their job, family, or friends. Consider your own motivations when a thought crosses your mind; are you trying to hurt them or get back at them? If your motivation is based on a tit for tat, then it is not something that you need to do. These actions will not only come back to hurt you, but they could ruin your chance at reconciliation or a healthy relationship later on.  

The Bible says that we should allow God to fight our battles for us. If we trust Him with our lives and our futures, we must trust that He will work things out according to His plan for our life- without our “help”.

Self-Reflection

Are you trusting God, or plotting your revenge?

 

Our pastor once explained a concept from the Bible that I’ve never understood before. Why does God say He would cast our sins as far as the East is from the West?

He held a ball in front of his face, and used his index finger to represent the concept. Starting on the East side of the ball, he rotated his finger in a circle, around and around the ball. “What direction am I going?” he asked, “East.” we all answered. No matter how many times he circled the ball, he was always headed East.

Next, he started at the top of the ball, headed South, and an interesting thing happened when he reached the bottom of the ball- the direction changed as he went back up, he was now headed North!

You see, when we are forgiven, God places our sins so far from Himself that He would never be reminded of them. This is what He asks of us in our marriages.

Love keeps no record of wrong. 1 Corinthian 13:5b

When you have been wronged in your marriage, it’s easy to sit back and make a mental list of everything your spouse did to hurt you. It’s easy to dwell on each thing and use it as an arsenal in every argument. On the other hand, being the spouse that has done the hurting, if you are repentant, you desire nothing more than for your spouse to forgive you and not hold that guilt over you any longer. Neither position is easy, they both hurt for different reasons.

This is why God shows us this example of love- because love is meant to be forgiving, allowing grace for our mistakes. We cannot hold onto those things of we want to move forward. We trap ourselves and our spouses when we choose not to forgive. It’s been said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, but if someone’s heart is repentant, you are hurting them too.

Imagine if you sinned, and instead of receiving forgiveness from God, He reminded you of your sin over and over again, causing you deep grief in your heart. This is what we do when we fail to forgive. Set your spouse free by forgiving and not using their mistakes to attack them. Set yourself free by allowing your position in Christ to assure you that you are forgiven if you truthfully ask for it, even if your spouse doesn’t forgive you, God will.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Self-Reflection

Have you truly forgiven your spouse and set them free from reminders of their sins?

Have you forgiven yourself and accepted God’s forgiveness of things you have done to hurt your spouse?

The tongue is mentioned over and over in the Bible as holding the power of life and death and determining your course in life. This is significant. When a theme is brought up multiple times, it is something that God wants us to truly grasp. In times of adversity, we are more easily driven by emotions, and often our tongues get the best of us. The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom on the subject of being rude or demanding.

The lips of the godly speak helpful words, but the mouth of the wicked speaks perverse words. Proverbs 10:32

A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted. Proverbs 12:16

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. Proverbs 12:18

Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything. Proverbs 13:3

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

Short-tempered people do foolish things. Proverbs 14:17                                                                                       

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.  Proverbs 15:1

Learning to love as Christ commands us means controlling our tongue. If love is not rude, then snapping insults out of anger is not love. We cannot verbally destroy the character of a person that we truly love. We must understand that the person that we love is still in there, but they cannot remember who they are if we are reminding them of who they have been recently! If love is not demanding of its own way, it is not demanding your way out of spite. Trying to manipulate a situation to our own benefit, while simultaneously putting our spouse at a disadvantage isn’t loving.  If love is not irritable, it is not snappy and hurtful. Our tone of voice is as important when we communicate with our spouse as what we say.

When someone is acting irrationally in a situation involving two people, more pressure needs to be on the rational person to remain calm and lead by example. It is our responsibility to speak with encouraging, warm, and positive words. You can only control your own behavior, so if your spouse is angry and you know that conversation will cause you to lose your temper, avoid the situation. If you cannot hold your tongue, it is best to keep your communication through alternate methods like email and text, until you can.

Love is not rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable. 1 Corinthians 13:5

Self-Reflection

Have you struggled with controlling your tongue?

What other ways can you communicate your thoughts without getting angry or saying things to hurt your spouse?