*Trigger Alert* This post refers to loss of life.
1. I am more open to life. I did not want another child; four is enough. However, after experiencing the joy of knowledge of carrying that precious life, I was reminded of the blessing that pregnancy, babies, and birth really are.
2. I recognize that I can no longer procrastinate on my health. The minute I realized I was pregnant, I started eating right and taking prenatal vitamins. I simultaneously freaked out about my weight. If I had already been eating right, taking vitamins, and had been actively pursuing a healthier lifestyle, I would not have had to go through all of that. I am continuing to look after my health.
3. I absolutely recognized God’s hand in my story. There is no denying His presence. I look at all that He put in place for me, and I recognize His limitless love and provision, and it gives me hope. I still hurt, and don’t understand the why, but I know He was in it.
4. My child will forever be a part of my family, and will be waiting on a reunion in Heaven! I’ve had two very dear friends share their personal loss testimonies, and shared with me that they know the baby will be a part of our eternal family. The knowledge that one day I’ll hold him, and see his face, is one of the most precious thoughts that I will ever hold onto in this life.
My surgeon has asked if I would continue to see him as my obgyn, going forward. I consider this a blessing. We will be able to conceive again! I will need to be very careful in the waiting process, but I will continue using natural family planning. In the future, since the tunnel has been fixed, we should have no problems with getting pregnant or maintaining pregnancy in the proper place. The one caveat is that I will be required to have an early cesarean because the wedge and subsequent scarring will cause my uterus to be especially vulnerable to rupture as it expands. We will deal with all of that as we get to it. For now, I am grateful to have my body whole, and the ability to expand our family when the time comes to choose to do so.
The one take away I have for others is that if you have had a cesarean, and plan a pregnancy or find yourself pregnant, that you would demand an early ultrasound. This rare complication will not remain rare as we push the cesarean agenda on people more and more. I understand some, if not most, are necessary… but I truly would not wish this on anyone. Getting to the stage we were in was already a risk for my life. God alone saved me from that fate.
On another note, we have the absolute best friends and family. The care, love, and help that we received as I recovered was beyond what I could have asked for. I also truly appreciate all of the prayers and concern of the two natural family planning groups that I’m in on facebook. You never know how amazing the people around you are until you need them, and they are there.
I know this doesn’t have a happy ending, per se, but I pray that it helps someone. I pray that the right people see it. I pray that my loss and my story will be what someone needs to know. I don’t know how God wants to use this, but I know that he will.